my heart is an open palm, exposed and raw
In my land of bright lights you are effervescent -
Overwhelming at once, I am oblivious the next.
You are the palpable product of words I never meant,
Of clouded judgement, infinite dreams; my sweet Regret.
My conscience weighs you down and embeds you
Somewhere in the murky depths of this sepulchral soul.
Yet there is little want of redemption for what I do,
And you and your kind maketh the stories I never told.
Even now I would sing that I am yours, Yours!
As I believe you are mine in all your tainted forms.
Sucker as I am for your taste, touch and allure,
The beauty of folly is not weeping when all else mourns.
So this is an ode to my ill-fated penchant for
Secrets I have to keep, and everything that
I loved to hold but not to possess.
That I wish to forget, but forget to regret.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
home aloneeee. i'm feeling so empty now, the house's so much more quieter without aunty. i miss her so much already, sighhh. now i have to fold the clothes myself, wash the dishes and well SWEEP THE FLOOR. the horrors. thank God for my sweet little dog which accompanies me through thick and thin. hurhur. perhaps it's good for me, then i won't eat so much because i'll have to consider the washing that has to be done later. and aunty aint here to attend to every whim and fancy of mine, on what to eat, what to drink and yeah practically everything. BUT IM NOT SPOILT OGAY.
sheesh i don't know what to do for the whole of today. i guess study that's all. how boring.
hwee: HA HA WEBSTER GIRL.
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9:01 PM;
amusing friendster message.
"hi there cheryl am i rite ok i have add u in my list quite long time liao bad but then i have ask 4 yr hp number frm u so i also dunno y u don't give lor so then r u knid enought to give me nw leh ah hope so ba and then sorry ah i also dunno wat should maybe my way of getting yr number is in the wrong so hope u don't mind then see yr msg soon......"
firstly, if you guys can make out what he's saying then kudos to you. secondly, i think i'm gonna give him my number.
ha ha. NOT.
ig: hello WASE! :P
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6:08 AM;
Monday, May 30, 2005
i really want a gollywog! i've loved it ever since i was a kiddo, and i haven't gotten one yet. saw one at ig's heaven, but it's more of something that you'll put on display. i want one to hug to sleep. i waaaaant.
i love mikey jacky too. watching him dance is entrancing. i wish i could dance like him. :(
i haven't started on revision, and i have tuition tomorrow. aunty's going back tomorrow, and i'm feel sad sad sad right now. what's wrong with me. ugghhh i'm starting to whine again.
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12:58 AM;
Sunday, May 29, 2005
madagascar! boy do i love those annoying pengiuns.
"you didn't see anything" hurhur.
well yeah it wasn't like white chicks funny but damn adorable i must say. got this top which was a steal. i mean, ten buckeroos for this above average top?! and im getting better already, so yay. jes needa start studying really soon. actually like now, yeah but im obviously not gonna so what's the point of brooding.
guess im gonna sleep early today. YAY my darling fang jes came online! :):)
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5:20 AM;
Friday, May 27, 2005
better now, but still unable to churn out coherent entries. went to the doc jes now and had a nice talk with doctor lau. kinda sad that i gave up my dream about medicine, but it was a tad idealistic and ain't gonna happen anyway. my mom would never allow it too. i'm sucha mama's girl eh.
feel like going to buy some hollister now but yeah i'm sick but not dying. drank shiteloads of water and the number of times i went to pee was probably more than what my dog peed the for whole day-which is, trust me, a lot.
that means i gotta put my gorging on hold. all my beautiful junkies on counter looking on innocently, enticing me with that burst of colour from the bloody nice wrapping. GAAAAAAAAAAAH. and i jes bought three packs of chips yesterday! *^%$!#@&)_!*!@
bible study later, and chickee's coming! ha ha i miss making fun of him and his silly voice. speaking of voice, my vocal chords are currently inflamed [but i haven't lost my voice! -HUGE SMIRK DIRECTED AT CHINGY CHING CHING] and so that means i have to play the keyboard at practice tonight. but uncle johnny's back, and that leaves me jobless. so should i go or not.
bah i'm feeling drowsy. it's all the medicine's fault. what a perfect excuse for slacking.
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8:28 PM;
well, Rj's rugby team lost, by a lot i would say but yeah they were gentlemen alright. unlike ac. well okay no more about that.
sick now, what a day to fall sick. school's out larh wat the heck. my dog stinks now, and i gotta bathe him tomorrow. but im sick. and all i feel like doing is sleep. short sentences. yeah. aiya im too sick to think. bye.
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7:38 AM;
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
ha ha how typically rafflesian:
"but all i want now is a school bag. balancing out the act abit. too many handbags in my cupboard. i have been carrying the same bags to school since the start of the year. ultra boring. it's been five months, quite bored of the bags i use now. will go on a search fo a nice new bag (:"
well, no offence, and no personal attacks intended. obviously this was taken off a rafflesian's blog, and yes jes trying to bring across the message that my friends have been so puzzled over. they ask me, 'why do you change your bag so often?' well, yeah perhaps the rafflesian spirit is still in me. okay lar, it's kinda obvious actually.
vj soccer lost and they got second. truthfully, second really is an acheivement, but clearly it ain't enough. the sadness in the air when mj scored that deciding goal was practically emanating from every victorian's pores okay. fine sounds weird and sick in a way, but you get what i mean. i'm not particularly upset, but i mean it would have been better if we won. besides, our full day has gone down the drain. shame on me for being so shallow, but you gotta admit that was on everybody's minds.
damn tired right now. aimless wandering around today and went to gerald's friend's house which was kinda awkward. -stares daggers at phoon- but well they were nice people. guess i really do need to start making more friends in vj.
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7:09 AM;
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
today was a good day [besides my i pod officially konking out on me. APPLE SUCKS.], basically because i did nothing. hurhur ain't it good to jes let inertia have it's hold on you. ha ha yes and i must admit, my good mood now is also partially due to an hour's worth of those foodie guides on channel 5. the one by kumar and fiona xie as well as the one before. damnit so tempting can, and mom even agreed to go check them all out wimme during the hols. especially far east sqaure. to tell the truth, i've never heard of it or been there before. no surprises there. i'm seriously thinking of pursuing a career as a gourmet or something. i mean, hello get paid to eat and write? you don't call that a JOB you know? :)
i'm kinda big on all these anti-animal abuse thingies of late, especially shark's fin's soup and the likes. and my dog's becoming ever so more endearing. I JES LOVE MY DOG. but then, who can really resist shark's fin's soup?! especially when i'm an aspiring gourmet! see, i contradict myself all the time. im so messed up. aw my dog jes sat down beside me and he's guarding me. i told you i love my dog so very much.
looking forward to church camp! pure unadulterated fun, lotsa love and fellowship. best part is hwei's going wimme! really hoping for ben, royce and well, some others to go. haven't asked yet, still preparing myself for the worst, i.e. rejection. never been a good patron of it. yes and i've decided to save SOME of my love-of-my-lives for the camp. then everyone can have a share of the joy i feel whenever i even look at them.
God bless the school, half day tomorrow and yeah, it's like confirmed that there'll be no school on thurs and tentatively, fri will be a half day. SCHOOL'S OUTTTTT.
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6:54 AM;
Sunday, May 22, 2005
sometimes, you can't help but feel screwed up. and when you try means and ways to try and alleviate your pain/confusion, it jes gets worse. you jes can't stop thinking that why can't things turn out the other way. and then selfish inclinations set in, like what the hell. screw everyone in the world. okay, not everyone. jes a certain someone that i love and hate at the very same time. which more? i don't even know that myself.
induction is killing me. couldn't even get past the first question. so much for listening during lectures. ogay fine, i wasn't listening it was jes frantic copying of notes. that means i copy without understand. ah fpissed off right now. and i don't even feel like reading history. today has got to be productive. i hate it how i can't control myself when it comes to things like this. self-discipline holds no meaning and i start becoming spoilt and i want to start throwing tantrums.
ARGH SCREW YOU.
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11:56 PM;
im really upset now due to some disgusting people. sigh. i regret ever knowing you and ever believing in your stupid lies.
BUT I STILL ENJOYED MY DAY WITH MY DARLINGS. Thank God for them, they're like what keeps me going. photo whoring as usual, and well earring shopping? ha ha everybody loved my jelly beans! :)
cousins and aunts over at my place now, and goodness my cousins are hard to take care of. geez. but they're so pretty! big eyes and all, sheesh. why do we all grow uglier as we're getting older?
ah i'm too upset to blog anymore.
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7:14 AM;
Saturday, May 21, 2005
okay i'm like in this ebullient mood, and i can't contain my JOY :D
met for pw and mom met me after that. got about four books, of which only one was what i wanted. the rest were like on the spot buys. so that means i have three more books on my list. prolly get them tomorrow. but i feel like really horrible cuz i spent a lot today. got a new pair of gallaz sandals too. because my pumps were killing me and there was like this blister forming. meilin and chery chan were quite amused i think but yeah they were so helpful :)
dragged mummy all the way to buy candy wimme. hurhur. we braved the rain and distance. getting around marina square is like going around in a maze. and then to get to millenia walk, it's like another labyrinth. and when i saw the HUGEEEE shop, it was all worth it. ha ha mom was like, 'WHAT. you dragged me all the way here, JUST TO BUY A BAG OF CANDY??" ahahaha well, that's what my future boyfriend or husband will have to do too. and, this is what i bought!
hurhur. fox's rocky rounds, starburst jelly babies, whip, smarties milkybar, cadbury boost, willy wonka's mud sludge, CHOMP, Daim (ha ha this one they gave me free), curly wurly!, m&ms mixed (don't you jes LOVE the colour?), urm wasabi and soy chips, BART SIMPSON EAT MY PANTS CHOCOLATE COATED COOKIES, Double chocolate TimTams and jelly bean factory jelly beans (duh)! ho ho i don't know how long will all these last me, but i have a feeling that at the rate i study, i'll have to make another trip down again. ha ha even more motivation to exercise(customary bimbo whine)! i went mad in the shop, like seriously. besides being trigger happy, i think there was this look in my eyes that screamed 'CANDY!!!' and yeah i was like hauling candy off the shelves and throwing them into my basket. but come to think of it, it ain't a lot :( the next time round, i'm gonna get MOREEEE. especially those arnotts confectionary. gah there was like this doughnut lookalike thing, but it was biscuits, and i dont really fancy biscuits. ah well, love the wasabi and soy chips though. gorging on them now. mom says im bound to get fat, ah, until then, WHO REALLY CARES.
oh i love my momma! :):)
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6:54 AM;
Friday, May 20, 2005
burp jes had lunch, a really good one at that. and that means more calories added to my already calorie-laden body. owell :) that ain't gonna stop me from visting that candy shop, which i have been lusting over for days, later. supposed to meet mei lin, jamie and cheryl chan for pw at two, but something cropped up for meilin, so yeah we're meeting at three instead. then it's shopping with momma later! *yay* i don't care if i have a whole shelf of books that are un-read. i am so gonna get those four books that i want. kept thinking about them too, and it's driving me nuts. well, i will definitely get down to reading all of them one day. it's jes a matter of time, right? :)
tuition was alright, albeit still not really understanding sigma notation and trigo fully. it will get better. monday will be the start of nerdhood, a term which i have coined and nicely introduced to angela. neways, *angela: you will do well for your prelims, aight? :) jes work hard, u know u can.* i devised a new way of studying for myself. it's a modified version of what i planned out for o levels. obviously it didnt work out well, or else i'd have gotten my perfect score already :( AH WHY AM I STILL BROODING ABOUT IT?! so yeah, hopefully this new plan will work. nerdhood forever :)
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10:21 PM;
four hours of sleep did me a lot of good, i actually managed to re-do the stupid trigo graphs tutorial. my goodness, it is the bane of my existence. but i bet there're other more 'bane of my life' chapters to come. somehow, particle mechanics at a levels sounds REALLY intimidating.
im worried about the mid-years. i know it's only the first time, nevertheless, who really wants to do badly? i jes want to get an average of Cs. that'll be quite a good start i guess. im worried for economics. i take so long to do one essay, how am i gonna finish it during the exams? and ms chow's going overseas, that means i wont be able to go to school to ask her for tution. very depressing indeed.
okay i've lost my mood to blog. and i miss rj terribly. :(
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7:10 AM;
Thursday, May 19, 2005
i've been bingeing. :( ate sosososo much for dinner, but aunty's mee rubus was irresistable! and not to forget the mass consumption of sweets and lollipops during lectures and tutorials. gah, im really getting fat. now im craving for some chocolate, and it doesn't really help that i've got a huge stock in my refrigerator.
really tired, but i'm thankful that there isn't much homework. except for that stupid math tutorial which i have no idea how to do. my math is going downhill. i am so gonna make use of this holiday to studystudystudy.
hmm, do you think vonzelle or however you spell her name will be out tonight? i don't like Bo though, don't fancy drug addict lookalikes. and i wanna go shopping so badly.
i can't get no, satisfaction baby. heh.
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6:39 AM;
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
ching didnt come to school today again, and yeah i was so lonely again boo hoo. really tired and i dont feel like blogging much. jes finished my I.R table and i have yet to do the stupid mindmap. and there's still gp to go. im so dead. i prolly wont get any sleep tonight. stupid jc life.
didnt know that may's the 'month of the drowned dog', in the words of Ted Hughes, haha it seems to be raining perpetually. and when it shines, it fries. ahhh i've always had this analysis of the sun as some fire source up there, and us humans as eggs. yeap, and the earth's the frying pan. we're all being fried at the same time. ah lame i know, but i thought of it when i was really young and bored. ha ha seems like a leopard really doesn't change its spots eh.
stupid printer's so slow. i wanna go slp :( and i wanna go out with my darlings this sunday! don't you think Madagascar's jes too damn cute? we have to watch it alright?
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8:01 AM;
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
sad day, unhappy day, boring day, lonely day. sigh, really UPSET now. and i miss a certain someone i'm not supposed to think of anymore. this reminds me of that stupid petrachan poem we have to annotate. :(
RAHHH. i miss 1so3u though. that, no one can stop me from missing.
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4:58 AM;
Monday, May 16, 2005
and because little xiao kai forced me to change her blog link [:P]. i decided i might as well blog. not too good a day, napfa was bad, im really so unfit. i should jes be the chairman of the physical imbeciles association. ha ha P.I.A so apt. we have to pia for everything jes to reach the bare minimum. well yeah some shit happened which caused me to go into one of my mood swings. but i guess i managed to hide it kwite well. pw didn't go too well either, but well at least we were more productive than any of our previous meetings. mei lin's damn cute. feel like hugging her everytime i see her. OH and i'm a closet lesbian, as yani calls it. all you girls out there, be careful. i might jes be lusting after you when you least expect you. hurhur.
i'm really tired. thank God make up lessons are ending. i need to go shopping, but i'm not gonna break the promise i made to myself. i made a resolution not to shop for a month, so yeah i'm almost there. although it's jes creating a snowball effect. can't imagine what i'll buy after resisting for sucha long time. but mom got me a new top today, and it's kwite nice i guess. and she caused me to get addicted to soupy snax. as corny as the name sounds, it actually tastes kwite good. sigh, it's gonna be my best friend after my maid goes back. :( don't wanna think about it right now. AHHHHH. im full of grouses eh.
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6:10 AM;
Saturday, May 14, 2005
well realised that if everyone has a fetish for something, mine's definitely gotta be bags. i've got tons of em and i still want more :( hmm im probably why scarcity exists in economics. hurhur. church was alright, and i took longer than expected to do econs. and it's really bad in my opinion. i was like jes trying to fill up four pages and i kinda explored only 3 concepts. kinda upset about it. but i will work harder. ms chow is my best friend :) HAHA yani's gonna faint if she sees this.
its raining right now, this means a really good sleep tonight. and i hope i wont be tempted into snuggling into bed so soon. gotta finish up my industrial revolution mind map before i sleep. gosh, seems like all i ever talk about on my blog is homework. im sucha nerdo.
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8:46 AM;
Friday, May 13, 2005
ogay here i am for my daily dosage of whining, bitching and the likes. ahh, the simple pleasures of life. HAHA.
michael jackson is dope :) even though im freaking tired, listening to him makes me perk up a little. gah so much work due, im going nutters. econs ended kinda late, but i somehow managed to listen to every word ms dawnie chow said. i really like her, and yani thinks im homosexual now. jes because of the intense debate we were having during gp. hmph she thinks im weird because lee kwan yew's my idol, i like econs + ms chow and i went around looking for history books to read in the library. what's so weird about that?!
im tired, bored, shutting down and on the verge of mental breakdown. ha ha NOT, but you get the idea. sigh only did tuition hw and re-did edna tan's mindmap. still have one more mind map to go, ie more readings to plunge into. and how about that econs essay. i really should tear up paper to vent my frustrations. saw the A level results being pinned up at some notice board, and somehow it all got to me. i really want to get my perfect score. even though i stopped short of it by such a small margin for the O's, i'm still largely disappointed. the experience of result taking comes back to torment me randomly. i know i did relatively well compared to the majority, but i didn't meet my own standards. sigh sometimes, i really wonder, did i not put in enough effort? well if so, i had better start doing some serious studying now. i guess i was kinda brought back to my senses today, and so that means less of this stupid computer and more of Sloman, Addition Formulae, Ted Hughes and blah all the most mundane things you can ever think of. i really want to go back to how i used to be. i loved studying, enjoyed the satisfaction it brought me when i completed work and grasped concepts. i mean, studying is so much less frustrating than dealing with people. although, math does seem to have the ability to achieve the same effect on me. ha ha but still, it's so manageable. not in the sense that it's easy, but it's something which you can tackle as long as you're willing to put in that teeny weeny bit more of effort. but the converse is true when it comes to relationships. sometimes, no matter how you try, what you give, it all goes to waste. people are too complex for me i guess. ha ha the tragic irony that i'm one of them. sometimes i wonder, do i ever do things that make people feel the same way too? see, i'm getting confused trying to make sense of it. which is why i say, studying is definitely much better. i jes need to find my determination and aspirations again, pick myself up from where i stumbled, and walk on.
sigh, that was a whole load of crap from me today.
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6:50 AM;
Thursday, May 12, 2005
woot math's completed, but my work pace's still too slow. im jes completing one assignment per day. i used to be able to complete three, but maybe it's the accumulation of weariness that's slowing me down. i miss the first three months of jc. that was the best time of my life. ahhh ate a sakae with my mom today and then it brought back memories of ke'rayzae. how we squeezed like eight people at one table, and ming hao's voracious appetite, stoner's snide comments, bo xian's ahem, bottomless pit for a stomach. ha ha and all the correction of pronounciations. i miss bishan, even j8 now. :(
on a lighter note, tomorrow's a friday! woohoo, but then there's econs make up at 4, like what the hell. i have three hours to stone in school. guess i'll start being the full-fledged mugger tommorrow.
eddison's complaining about how rj's so boring to me now, and here i am missing it like nuts. sigh, the paradox of life.
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7:21 AM;
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
skippydeedoodaah. i finished the geranium essay! so that leaves only one more essay, which is econs. oh dawn chow wore a dior top to school today, and yani and i were scrutinising her to decide whether it's a fake. ha ha talk about cheap thrills.
im tired and i don't know what to update. pw was alright, despite our unproductiveness. i think im fat, and i know i am. i am a ball of lard, immobile, and my thighs still hurt. yeap im definitely off my rocker now. nites* then :)
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8:04 AM;
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
trudged through jeepy [for the uninitiated, read: GENERAL PAPER :P hurhur.] and finally it's done. f.o.s as usual though. sometimes i wonder if what i'm writing is coherent at all. owell, at least it's over and done with.
and i really should go and sleep now.
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7:13 AM;
vj totally brightened up my day today because we got to go support the table tennis girls for the finals! a.k.a we missed like almost four hours worth of lessons. what's not to love? :)
but sigh, they lost by such a small difference, how devastating. but yeah they put up a good fight i guess. t'was the first time i was so revved up about something to do with vj, so i guess it ain't so bad after all. saw my twinnie and benny at toa payoh too. sigh seeing so many rafflesians in green, black, white made my reminise about the old times. but it's time to move on, although i'll always love rj. right now, it's vj i should focus on. separated loyalties ain't really doing me any good. been rather perplexed by that for a few weeks now.
been popping rochers as if they were breath mints. very soon, i'm going to look like one too. damnit my thighs hurt so damn much, and im so frickin tired to do any work. gp essay's due tomorrow. hopefully i'll be able to finish that at least. the damn geranium essay's due on thurs, which means double the burden tomorrow if i don't finish gp today. sometimes, i really think we emanate some sort of aura that screams 'we're super humans'.
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
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4:47 AM;
Monday, May 09, 2005
cabbed to school and back today. feeling really guilty, but i was seriously knocked out this morning. and after 2.4 today, i could hardly walk in a straight line. i still feel like tofu now. oooh and im so pleased with myself today. ha ha i finished my math! although much of it is rather incomplete, but yeah i'm stumped. so that's about all i can do i guess. and then there's econs to read later as well as lit to annotate. okay i can do this. felt really horrible today, especially during econs. could hardly make out what ms chow was saying. only fragments of it made sense. and my essay was shite. i think ms chow's really nice, despite being rather eccentric. actually i don't think she's that weird at all. she's jes different, and really gentle too. ha ha and she's a fellow rafflesian! so yeah i like her :)
i lost my eraser yet again. and i jes got it last week. i have this innate ability which i was probably blessed with from birth to be unable to keep my erasers for more than a month. like wat the hell that's the fifth eraser i've changed this year!
yay desperate housewives later. like i always say, its the only thing good about mondays.
gee my dog jes walked into the room for the third time and he walked out again.
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6:25 AM;
hurhur. check this out man.
what the friggin hell was going on in her mind?!
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6:05 AM;
Sunday, May 08, 2005
turrah!
this really is a good start to the week, albeit being a sleep-deprived one. but yeah im jes glad to be over and done with my cuban crisis essay. really bummed out right now. trigo wasn't really attempted but at least i finished my industrial revolution mindmap and cuban essay. woah quite a feat for me. judging by the amount of work i achieved the past two weeks. why, you can't even use 'achieve' to describe what i did. tomorrow shall be a math day then!
i am so going to buy a new ink cartridge. printing in blue for such a long time has gone on for waaay too long. ha ha there goes my money. ogay, essay's printed, time to go! till next time then :)
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9:21 AM;
jes ended my first session of tuition after aeons of slacking. this had better be a good start to the week. no more slacking, yeaps. this is a promise i'm making to myself. although the notion of letting myself down isn't really unfamiliar. but yeah, it's better than not trying, no?
church was alright. was kinda hyper photo whoring with hwei, but most of them turned out really bad [as usual] with me in them. i really look like crap in photos. no, perhaps in real life too. ah whatever.
wellwell, being mothers' day today, and me the really good daughter, treated mom and aunty to din tai fung, which was jes alright. but it's the thought that counts anyway. got two books from life bookshop and the new hillsong united album. doesn't seem to be very promising, but we'll see. why is the mentos sold at mini toons so darn cheap compared to the school bookshop. daylight robbery of poverty stricken students. how disgraceful :)
ahh alright, going to fulfill the promise i made to myself now. industrial revolution and trigo, here i comeeee!
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5:17 AM;
Saturday, May 07, 2005
back from church! and this is what hwei and i have been up to! :)
retards revisited.
ha ha yeap we were having loadsa fun acting retarded. and all the stares we were getting on the train, bus and practically everywhere. very attractive don't you think? hurhur.
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7:31 AM;
Friday, May 06, 2005
ogay im bored now. even after hours of battling it out with blogger, im still bored. i should be doing my work. i really should. yes, i mean i really really really should. somehow, you see that reiterating it to myself doesn't really work. and the stupid drilling sound is killing me. wonder if mrs ang will accept the excuse that i couldnt do any math assignments because of the constant noise made by the construction workers. that'll be something new.
cuban essay is killing me. how the heck am i supposed to use t-i-a-c-t to do my introduction?! like what's 'Which superpower should bear the greater responsibility for the development and resolution of the Cuban Crisis of 1962- the USSR or the USA?' supposed to mean? i jes cant get down to doing anything. i dont seem to have a guilty conscience eh? espcecially after slacking two weeks away. urggh this aimless rambling is killing me. okay i need to get away from this thing called the computer. its giving me a headache.
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10:40 PM;
feels weird to blog somewhere new. but it also feels like im starting anew, on a fresh page, waiting for me to scribble and paint my very own story. hopefully, it wouldn't turn out like before, mundane and f.o.s ha ha phoonie will know what i mean. im such an IT idiot. took me like hours to do this stupid layout. sigh.
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10:04 PM;
